Somebody to Blame

This is absolute mother*#$%ing bull#*&$! I'm talking straight outrageous here people. I just had an incident in a Moorhead, Minnesota Subway that has transformed my view of America. So I was sitting in a booth, enjoying my middle class intellectual superiority and general lifestyle, when two African-American children (brother and sister, probably both no older than 6 or 7) ran by me waving their arms wildly. The girl had a cup full of pop in her hand and her brother obviously wanted a drink. That's when America changed dramatically for me. The boy swiped at the pop and it went flying out of his sister's hand, into my sandwich and onto my unspeakably awesome Minnesota Vikings jacket. Sure, I laughed, acted like it was no big deal, and ordered another sandwich, but it was a big deal. It was an obvious statement about America. That flying Pepsi was a statement about what is wrong with America. Two irresponsible, unproductive brown people (I bet those kids don't pay taxes, hold a full-time job, or own a home and they might even be terrorists because all brown people are terrorists.) had just assaulted an economically productive white man (me) and there was nothing to be done, no negative consequences, no prison sentences, no vicious police beatings, no fines, nothing. Carson re-ordered his turkey sandwich and had to suffer the injustice of brown oppression in silence. Do you know who is to blame for this outrage America? Barack Obama is to blame. Barack Obama encouraged those two small brown children to spill pop on me. Barack Obama and his coalition of brown people, liberal Jews, college-talking young white people, homosexuals, communists, socialists, fascists, and terrorists destroyed my lunch America, and nothing was done to punish such an extreme crime! WHY?!!! How could my country (When I say "my country," I mean that only Christian, wealthy white people deserve to live in America.) have been destroyed so suddenly? Not only did I lose a sandwich today, but America lost a dream. Pretty soon, the government will start involving itself in Medicare, Medicaid, and the Department of Veterans of Affairs, giving free healthcare away like it's a normal process. Those institutions are working just fine without government! What's next? Should the government pay for people to go to college for free? Should the government pay to construct roads that anyone can use for travel, whenever they want, free of charge? Should the government provide socialized fire and police protection? All of those ideas are absurd and should never happen. Never!!! Damn you Barack Obama! I hate Barack Obama and socialism! Barack Obama and socialism destroyed my lunch!!! Why did you let this happen America?!!! WHY?!!!