Good News and Better News

Reasons to celebrate America. At 7PM Central Standard Time, there will be numerous opportunities to exercise your collective patriotic muscles. Turn to ESPN and watch back-to-back college football games, with an emphasis on cheering for Michigan State to beat Texas Tech in the Alamo Bowl. The other patriotic alternative would be to watch "Behind Enemy Lines," starring Gene Hackman and Owen Wilson, on American Movie Classics. It's the heartwarming and wildly unrealistic tale of an American Navy pilot that is shot down over Bosnia. The movie is packed with numerous inspirational speeches and witty observations by American military officers, which gives the entire movie its uniquely absurd yet lovable character. American military officers are generally colossal buffoons and if they do attempt an inspirational speech, the speech is a spectacular, embarrassing failure. So drop what you're doing. Spend your evening watching college football and movies that feature the heroic American military. I'd recommend flipping between the football and the movie in order to maximize your patriotic serving intake. Also, you're going to want to have Toby Keith's music playing at maximum volume in your living room as you watch college football and a comically unrealistic movie about the American military. If Toby Keith's music isn't present, the terrorists win. If you're not watching college football or a movie about the fake exploits of the American military, the terrorists win. If you're not living in the state of Texas, wearing a massive white Stetson cowboy hat, a dinner plate-sized belt buckle, and a denim American flag shirt, the terrorists win. So please, if we're going to defeat the terrorists, just watch college football and movies about the heroic American military while listening to Toby Keith, and move to Texas. If you refuse these suggestions, you're probably an unpatriotic communist-socialist-fascist-terrorist-homosexual-brown person. USA! USA! USA!