Trailer Park Nation

Ezra Klein's latest piece is instructive for a number of reasons. He is saying that the bulk of ordinary Americans can't handle adult policy conversations grounded in fact-based reality. The widespread, deeply divorced from reality and incorrect economic "wisdom" that many Americans embrace (particularly Fox News viewers with their well-known hatred for fact-based reality) asserts that government should work to reduce debt during times of economic crisis. Americans believe such utter nonsense despite evidence to the contrary. Once the incorrect view becomes the popular view, a great many elected officials stop trying to fix the narrative and simply go along for the sake of job approval, and Barack Obama is sadly no exception. He just stopped trying to tell the children that they can't have candy for dinner. Your appalling stupidity and ignorance make me physically sick to my stomach America. I would say that you should be ashamed of yourselves, but you'll just tune me out. Return to your American Idol. Brain-dead trailer trash...

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/ezra-klein/2010/01/the_argument_obama_didnt_win.html

The meek have already lost.

Now that the Supreme Court has decided to fully embrace a corporate-owned American government, I know that I don't have a right to complain about the corrupting effects of money in the process of formulating policy. Everyone knows that rich white men are better human beings than the rest of the general population. If this decision means that corporations will pour truckloads of money into elections and lobbying (as if the American government were not already owned by corporations), we should drop to our knees and thank Roger Ailes (God). The public will be served well when pharmaceutical and insurance lobbyists craft healthcare legislation, when energy lobbyists write environmental "protection" regulations, and retired military officers secure no-bid contracts for unaccountable profiteers from the Department of Defense. Jesus can believe that the meek will inherit the Earth, but He couldn't be more wrong. Wealthy, corrupt, unethical white men already own the Earth. The meek can shop at Wal-Mart and die at the age of 30 when they can't pay their hospital bills. Screw the meek. Blessed are the corporate scum.

I wonder if I should be worried.

The Department of Veterans Affairs released a study on Monday relating to veteran suicides. The study found a 26 percent increase in the number of suicides by veterans ages 18-29 from 2005-2007. I'd almost be concerned about this sort of revelation if the American military were trapped in two senseless, endless, unwinnable, bloody, expensive wars that have already killed 5647 troops and wounded 35,991 troops over the past 8 years. Could you imagine if there were hundreds of thousands of war veterans with psychiatric disorders that stem from both of those wars? I mean, seriously...that kind of long-term damage to the American military and the Veterans Affairs healthcare system would cost trillions of dollars to repair over the next two to three decades. Thankfully, none of those scenarios have come to pass. I guess I really don't have anything to worry about.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34807684/ns/health-mental_health/

Many thanks to Fox News.

Sarah Palin is officially a Fox News contributor. She will serve as a regular commentator and occasional guest host. I dropped to my knees and wept with uncontrollable joy when I heard the news. Thank you God. This will undoubtedly yield a comedic treasure chest the likes of which are rarely seen in human civilization. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert just popped a bottle of champagne, exchanged chest-bumps, high-fives, and wept with uncontrollable joy. The gift of Sarah Palin keeps giving.

Somebody to Blame

This is absolute mother*#$%ing bull#*&$! I'm talking straight outrageous here people. I just had an incident in a Moorhead, Minnesota Subway that has transformed my view of America. So I was sitting in a booth, enjoying my middle class intellectual superiority and general lifestyle, when two African-American children (brother and sister, probably both no older than 6 or 7) ran by me waving their arms wildly. The girl had a cup full of pop in her hand and her brother obviously wanted a drink. That's when America changed dramatically for me. The boy swiped at the pop and it went flying out of his sister's hand, into my sandwich and onto my unspeakably awesome Minnesota Vikings jacket. Sure, I laughed, acted like it was no big deal, and ordered another sandwich, but it was a big deal. It was an obvious statement about America. That flying Pepsi was a statement about what is wrong with America. Two irresponsible, unproductive brown people (I bet those kids don't pay taxes, hold a full-time job, or own a home and they might even be terrorists because all brown people are terrorists.) had just assaulted an economically productive white man (me) and there was nothing to be done, no negative consequences, no prison sentences, no vicious police beatings, no fines, nothing. Carson re-ordered his turkey sandwich and had to suffer the injustice of brown oppression in silence. Do you know who is to blame for this outrage America? Barack Obama is to blame. Barack Obama encouraged those two small brown children to spill pop on me. Barack Obama and his coalition of brown people, liberal Jews, college-talking young white people, homosexuals, communists, socialists, fascists, and terrorists destroyed my lunch America, and nothing was done to punish such an extreme crime! WHY?!!! How could my country (When I say "my country," I mean that only Christian, wealthy white people deserve to live in America.) have been destroyed so suddenly? Not only did I lose a sandwich today, but America lost a dream. Pretty soon, the government will start involving itself in Medicare, Medicaid, and the Department of Veterans of Affairs, giving free healthcare away like it's a normal process. Those institutions are working just fine without government! What's next? Should the government pay for people to go to college for free? Should the government pay to construct roads that anyone can use for travel, whenever they want, free of charge? Should the government provide socialized fire and police protection? All of those ideas are absurd and should never happen. Never!!! Damn you Barack Obama! I hate Barack Obama and socialism! Barack Obama and socialism destroyed my lunch!!! Why did you let this happen America?!!! WHY?!!!

Hilarious Truth

In a conversation with Fox News celebrities, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity, that was picked up by an open microphone, Rupert Murdoch, Chairman and CEO of News Corp., repeatedly referred to Fox News viewers as morons and white trash. The incident took place as the three men were sitting together at a benefit dinner for the Ann Coulter defense fund. Apparently, they had been drinking heavily which may account for their lack of restraint and obliviousness to the open microphone that was positioned directly in front of them.

At one point, while addressing O'Reilly and Hannity, Murdoch said, "Can you believe the shit we get away with? Good thing our viewers are dumb as doorknobs or else we would be in trouble." To which, Hannity laughed and then replied, "Yeah, I heard that people who watch Fox News have to wear bibs to catch their drool so their sofas won't be stained by the tobacco juice, and that's just the women." O'Reilly, also laughing, then joined in by saying, "Hey, how many Fox viewers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all refuse to change the bulb because they prefer living in the dark."

However, the unkindest cut of all that is sure to enrage Fox viewers came at the end of the conversation when Murdoch raised his glass in a toast and said, "God bless trailer park trash and idiots everywhere. Without them Fox News would be nothing and I would not be a billionaire."

After news of the recorded conversation became public, Fox News released the following brief statement, "We encourage our viewers to reject anything they hear or see that does not come directly from Fox News. Fox News is the only source of information you need for Fair and Balanced™ coverage."

Chickenhawk Warriors

Hysterical fear-mongering in the face of isolated danger (the Christmas Underwear Bomber) isn't an atypical response by conservatives/Republicans. Conservatives/Republicans are self-aggrandizing cowardly blowhards as a general rule. Conservatives/Republicans love sending other people (impoverished/brown people) to fight senseless, endless, unwinnable, bloody, expensive wars in distant third-world countries. Conservatives/Republicans love the idea of fighting wars while they and their children avoid military service like the Black Plague. Conservatives/Republicans scream hysterically about their war credentials and beat their chests like junior high school boys craving attention at every opportunity. Conservative/Republican chickenhawks (George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Karl Rove, the dishonest cowards at Fox News) cheered for bloodshed as the United States military stumbled into two horrific disasters in Iraq and Afghanistan. Nothing has changed. Conservatives/Republicans are quick to embrace war as long as they don't have to face the flag-draped consequences of war. True warriors don't spend their time announcing their battlefield accomplishments. Just because Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh play tough guys in their fantasy news programs doesn't make them tough guys in the real world.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mitchell-bard/after-the-underwear-bombe_b_412134.html

New Year Blessings

Attention wage donkeys! Pull yourselves away from the mind-numbing stupidity of American Idol reruns, Toby Keith music videos, and the NASCAR. I bring you reasons to rejoice at the start of 2010. There will be new episodes of The Simpsons, The Cleveland Show, Family Guy, and American Dad tonight. By all means, celebrate now so that you may return to your petty wage slave lifestyles tomorrow, happy and content as you squander your meager life savings on inconsequential household items at Wal-Mart and food that will damage your organs at the local fast food chain. That is all.

Good News and Better News

Reasons to celebrate America. At 7PM Central Standard Time, there will be numerous opportunities to exercise your collective patriotic muscles. Turn to ESPN and watch back-to-back college football games, with an emphasis on cheering for Michigan State to beat Texas Tech in the Alamo Bowl. The other patriotic alternative would be to watch "Behind Enemy Lines," starring Gene Hackman and Owen Wilson, on American Movie Classics. It's the heartwarming and wildly unrealistic tale of an American Navy pilot that is shot down over Bosnia. The movie is packed with numerous inspirational speeches and witty observations by American military officers, which gives the entire movie its uniquely absurd yet lovable character. American military officers are generally colossal buffoons and if they do attempt an inspirational speech, the speech is a spectacular, embarrassing failure. So drop what you're doing. Spend your evening watching college football and movies that feature the heroic American military. I'd recommend flipping between the football and the movie in order to maximize your patriotic serving intake. Also, you're going to want to have Toby Keith's music playing at maximum volume in your living room as you watch college football and a comically unrealistic movie about the American military. If Toby Keith's music isn't present, the terrorists win. If you're not watching college football or a movie about the fake exploits of the American military, the terrorists win. If you're not living in the state of Texas, wearing a massive white Stetson cowboy hat, a dinner plate-sized belt buckle, and a denim American flag shirt, the terrorists win. So please, if we're going to defeat the terrorists, just watch college football and movies about the heroic American military while listening to Toby Keith, and move to Texas. If you refuse these suggestions, you're probably an unpatriotic communist-socialist-fascist-terrorist-homosexual-brown person. USA! USA! USA!

Awful, Terrible, Scary, Filled with Terrorism Reality

Being afraid has gotten tiresome. Seriously, we get it Fox News viewers...you're always scared. Maybe you're scared because you're not terribly bright. Maybe you're scared because you're bigots. Maybe you're scared because you're bitter about losing in 2008. Maybe you're scared because your preferred politicians have proven to be incompetent buffoons that can't be trusted to govern. Whatever the reason, we understand. You're scared. Return to your Glenn Beck-approved bunkers and resume being poorly-informed, angry, rural, white, hysterical, and scared. The reality-based world needs a break from your antics.

I'd like to encourage those of you that still believe in mathematics, global warming, brown people, and gravity to read Glenn Greenwald on a daily basis.

http://www.salon.com/news/opinion/glenn_greenwald/2010/01/02/fear/index.html