Creative Solutions

Congressional Republicans have announced a new series of policy initiatives known as "Solutions for Another Universe." The policy document itself is relatively short. All of the initiatives can fit on this blog with plenty of space to spare. The document contains no numbers or budgetary estimates whatsoever. Numbers and facts were excluded to allow more space for congressional Republicans to accuse random people of communism-socialism-fascism-terrorism-homosexualism-brown peopleism. Senator John Cornyn (Lunatic-Texas) praised the policy initiatives as "bold new steps in the direction of hysterical, meaningless absurdity." Senator Cornyn also extended his thanks to loyal Republican voters. "The Republican Party will continue to reach out to all white, rural, poorly-educated, hate-filled Americans. These policy initiatives will speak to a narrow, out-of-touch with reality segment of white southerners. We're all very excited about the Republican Party's continuing march down the path of irrationality and overwhelming stupidity."

Let's take a look at these much-celebrated initiatives.

In order to address the issue of global warming (which is a hoax, like mathematics, gravity, and brown people), Republicans have proposed that all Americans stop reading books. This will allow them to stop thinking about global warming. Republicans have also proposed their version of a clean energy bill which calls for an increase in the number of Americans burning coal, styrofoam, and car tires to produce energy.

In economic policy, Republicans have proposed tax cuts for wealthy Americans and de-regulation of all economic activities. These tax cuts and de-regulation will produce balanced budgets, new ponies, and free chocolate chip cookies well into the future.

In foreign policy, Republicans are calling for military invasions of Syria, Pakistan, Iran, Nigeria, Venezuela, Mexico, and a scary brown country to be named later. With these military invasions, America will exterminate any and all traces of evil in the world. Those countries that are predominantly non-Christian will be forcibly converted in order to facilitate the speedy destruction of worldwide evil.

The last policy proposal is a statement that reads as follows. "LALALALALALALALALA, GEORGE W. BUSH IS STILL THE PRESIDENT! LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!"

Republicans are confident that these new initiatives will bear electoral fruit. Only time will tell.