Sarah Palin's Cheat Sheet

Sarah Palin gave a speech to the Tea Party Convention on Saturday night, followed by a question and answer segment after her speech. During the prepared speech, Sarah used note cards and mocked Barack Obama for using teleprompters. During the question and answer segment, Sarah answered pre-screened questions from audience members. At one point in her first answer, Associated Press reporters took pictures of Sarah staring down at her left hand. On her left palm, the words "lift the American spirit, budget cuts, taxes, and energy" were clearly visible in black magic marker ink. Sarah Palin had to write key word answers on her hand in order to respond to pre-screened questions. To clarify, Sarah couldn't remember the answers to questions that had been pre-approved for her and that she had read in advance before the speech, so she wrote out a cheat sheet on her hand. Who gave Sarah this profoundly stupid advice? Was she consulting with 7th graders that had flunked a spelling test? Did she really not see the irony of complaining that Barack Obama uses teleprompters to give speeches (like every other President since Dwight Eisenhower) while writing answers in magic marker on her hand? Would a chocolate Labrador outscore Sarah Palin on a standardized test? These are all reasonable questions.

The Fox News Bizarro Universe

Asked why Fox News cut away 20 minutes early from the question and answer session Obama held with House Republicans (which was largely seen as a big coup for the president), Ailes sidestepped the question, proclaiming, "We're the most trusted name in news."

Seriously, this is the textbook definition of a non sequitur. Arianna Huffington asks a more than reasonable question and Roger Ailes gives what can only be described as a profoundly bizarre response. This only reinforces the larger picture. Roger Ailes and most Fox News viewers spend most of their time living in an alternate, fantasy-based universe. They conduct separate, unrelated, detached-from-reality conversations with themselves. These outlandish responses are so common with conservatives for a reason. They're just not comfortable with facts or reality.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/31/roger-ailes-on-this-week_n_443555.html

Average citizen that doesn't watch Fox News asking Fox News viewer generic question in the course of polite chit-chat: I sure hope we don't get more snow. Do you think we'll get more snow?

Average Fox News viewer responding with typical disregard for fact-based reality: Probably the Celtics or the Lakers. Also, I'm pretty sure that brown people and homosexuals are plotting to poison the water supply.

Average citizen that doesn't watch Fox News: Um...that's outrageous. We're not hanging out anymore. Seriously, you're absolutely *&%#ing insane.

Fox News commentator Steve Doocy of "Fox and Friends" interacting with popular celebrity chef Rachael Ray: We're chatting with Rachael Ray. So Rachael, honest answer-do you think that Barack Obama is a homosexual pedophile or a homosexual secret Muslim terrorist?

Rachael Ray: I um...what? I don't know how to respond to the...are you for real? I mean, for the love of God...look, I was supposed to talk about my new fondue recipe and make a pitch for my cookbook. You people are bat*%#$ crazy. Seriously, this entire network makes me physically sick to my stomach. This interview is over. No, no, I'm leaving. I'm done. I don't even know what to say. This whole thing is wildly inappropriate. Just weird...

Trailer Park Nation

Ezra Klein's latest piece is instructive for a number of reasons. He is saying that the bulk of ordinary Americans can't handle adult policy conversations grounded in fact-based reality. The widespread, deeply divorced from reality and incorrect economic "wisdom" that many Americans embrace (particularly Fox News viewers with their well-known hatred for fact-based reality) asserts that government should work to reduce debt during times of economic crisis. Americans believe such utter nonsense despite evidence to the contrary. Once the incorrect view becomes the popular view, a great many elected officials stop trying to fix the narrative and simply go along for the sake of job approval, and Barack Obama is sadly no exception. He just stopped trying to tell the children that they can't have candy for dinner. Your appalling stupidity and ignorance make me physically sick to my stomach America. I would say that you should be ashamed of yourselves, but you'll just tune me out. Return to your American Idol. Brain-dead trailer trash...

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/ezra-klein/2010/01/the_argument_obama_didnt_win.html

The meek have already lost.

Now that the Supreme Court has decided to fully embrace a corporate-owned American government, I know that I don't have a right to complain about the corrupting effects of money in the process of formulating policy. Everyone knows that rich white men are better human beings than the rest of the general population. If this decision means that corporations will pour truckloads of money into elections and lobbying (as if the American government were not already owned by corporations), we should drop to our knees and thank Roger Ailes (God). The public will be served well when pharmaceutical and insurance lobbyists craft healthcare legislation, when energy lobbyists write environmental "protection" regulations, and retired military officers secure no-bid contracts for unaccountable profiteers from the Department of Defense. Jesus can believe that the meek will inherit the Earth, but He couldn't be more wrong. Wealthy, corrupt, unethical white men already own the Earth. The meek can shop at Wal-Mart and die at the age of 30 when they can't pay their hospital bills. Screw the meek. Blessed are the corporate scum.

I wonder if I should be worried.

The Department of Veterans Affairs released a study on Monday relating to veteran suicides. The study found a 26 percent increase in the number of suicides by veterans ages 18-29 from 2005-2007. I'd almost be concerned about this sort of revelation if the American military were trapped in two senseless, endless, unwinnable, bloody, expensive wars that have already killed 5647 troops and wounded 35,991 troops over the past 8 years. Could you imagine if there were hundreds of thousands of war veterans with psychiatric disorders that stem from both of those wars? I mean, seriously...that kind of long-term damage to the American military and the Veterans Affairs healthcare system would cost trillions of dollars to repair over the next two to three decades. Thankfully, none of those scenarios have come to pass. I guess I really don't have anything to worry about.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34807684/ns/health-mental_health/

Many thanks to Fox News.

Sarah Palin is officially a Fox News contributor. She will serve as a regular commentator and occasional guest host. I dropped to my knees and wept with uncontrollable joy when I heard the news. Thank you God. This will undoubtedly yield a comedic treasure chest the likes of which are rarely seen in human civilization. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert just popped a bottle of champagne, exchanged chest-bumps, high-fives, and wept with uncontrollable joy. The gift of Sarah Palin keeps giving.

Somebody to Blame

This is absolute mother*#$%ing bull#*&$! I'm talking straight outrageous here people. I just had an incident in a Moorhead, Minnesota Subway that has transformed my view of America. So I was sitting in a booth, enjoying my middle class intellectual superiority and general lifestyle, when two African-American children (brother and sister, probably both no older than 6 or 7) ran by me waving their arms wildly. The girl had a cup full of pop in her hand and her brother obviously wanted a drink. That's when America changed dramatically for me. The boy swiped at the pop and it went flying out of his sister's hand, into my sandwich and onto my unspeakably awesome Minnesota Vikings jacket. Sure, I laughed, acted like it was no big deal, and ordered another sandwich, but it was a big deal. It was an obvious statement about America. That flying Pepsi was a statement about what is wrong with America. Two irresponsible, unproductive brown people (I bet those kids don't pay taxes, hold a full-time job, or own a home and they might even be terrorists because all brown people are terrorists.) had just assaulted an economically productive white man (me) and there was nothing to be done, no negative consequences, no prison sentences, no vicious police beatings, no fines, nothing. Carson re-ordered his turkey sandwich and had to suffer the injustice of brown oppression in silence. Do you know who is to blame for this outrage America? Barack Obama is to blame. Barack Obama encouraged those two small brown children to spill pop on me. Barack Obama and his coalition of brown people, liberal Jews, college-talking young white people, homosexuals, communists, socialists, fascists, and terrorists destroyed my lunch America, and nothing was done to punish such an extreme crime! WHY?!!! How could my country (When I say "my country," I mean that only Christian, wealthy white people deserve to live in America.) have been destroyed so suddenly? Not only did I lose a sandwich today, but America lost a dream. Pretty soon, the government will start involving itself in Medicare, Medicaid, and the Department of Veterans of Affairs, giving free healthcare away like it's a normal process. Those institutions are working just fine without government! What's next? Should the government pay for people to go to college for free? Should the government pay to construct roads that anyone can use for travel, whenever they want, free of charge? Should the government provide socialized fire and police protection? All of those ideas are absurd and should never happen. Never!!! Damn you Barack Obama! I hate Barack Obama and socialism! Barack Obama and socialism destroyed my lunch!!! Why did you let this happen America?!!! WHY?!!!

Hilarious Truth

In a conversation with Fox News celebrities, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity, that was picked up by an open microphone, Rupert Murdoch, Chairman and CEO of News Corp., repeatedly referred to Fox News viewers as morons and white trash. The incident took place as the three men were sitting together at a benefit dinner for the Ann Coulter defense fund. Apparently, they had been drinking heavily which may account for their lack of restraint and obliviousness to the open microphone that was positioned directly in front of them.

At one point, while addressing O'Reilly and Hannity, Murdoch said, "Can you believe the shit we get away with? Good thing our viewers are dumb as doorknobs or else we would be in trouble." To which, Hannity laughed and then replied, "Yeah, I heard that people who watch Fox News have to wear bibs to catch their drool so their sofas won't be stained by the tobacco juice, and that's just the women." O'Reilly, also laughing, then joined in by saying, "Hey, how many Fox viewers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all refuse to change the bulb because they prefer living in the dark."

However, the unkindest cut of all that is sure to enrage Fox viewers came at the end of the conversation when Murdoch raised his glass in a toast and said, "God bless trailer park trash and idiots everywhere. Without them Fox News would be nothing and I would not be a billionaire."

After news of the recorded conversation became public, Fox News released the following brief statement, "We encourage our viewers to reject anything they hear or see that does not come directly from Fox News. Fox News is the only source of information you need for Fair and Balanced™ coverage."

Chickenhawk Warriors

Hysterical fear-mongering in the face of isolated danger (the Christmas Underwear Bomber) isn't an atypical response by conservatives/Republicans. Conservatives/Republicans are self-aggrandizing cowardly blowhards as a general rule. Conservatives/Republicans love sending other people (impoverished/brown people) to fight senseless, endless, unwinnable, bloody, expensive wars in distant third-world countries. Conservatives/Republicans love the idea of fighting wars while they and their children avoid military service like the Black Plague. Conservatives/Republicans scream hysterically about their war credentials and beat their chests like junior high school boys craving attention at every opportunity. Conservative/Republican chickenhawks (George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Karl Rove, the dishonest cowards at Fox News) cheered for bloodshed as the United States military stumbled into two horrific disasters in Iraq and Afghanistan. Nothing has changed. Conservatives/Republicans are quick to embrace war as long as they don't have to face the flag-draped consequences of war. True warriors don't spend their time announcing their battlefield accomplishments. Just because Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh play tough guys in their fantasy news programs doesn't make them tough guys in the real world.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mitchell-bard/after-the-underwear-bombe_b_412134.html

New Year Blessings

Attention wage donkeys! Pull yourselves away from the mind-numbing stupidity of American Idol reruns, Toby Keith music videos, and the NASCAR. I bring you reasons to rejoice at the start of 2010. There will be new episodes of The Simpsons, The Cleveland Show, Family Guy, and American Dad tonight. By all means, celebrate now so that you may return to your petty wage slave lifestyles tomorrow, happy and content as you squander your meager life savings on inconsequential household items at Wal-Mart and food that will damage your organs at the local fast food chain. That is all.