Good News and Better News

Reasons to celebrate America. At 7PM Central Standard Time, there will be numerous opportunities to exercise your collective patriotic muscles. Turn to ESPN and watch back-to-back college football games, with an emphasis on cheering for Michigan State to beat Texas Tech in the Alamo Bowl. The other patriotic alternative would be to watch "Behind Enemy Lines," starring Gene Hackman and Owen Wilson, on American Movie Classics. It's the heartwarming and wildly unrealistic tale of an American Navy pilot that is shot down over Bosnia. The movie is packed with numerous inspirational speeches and witty observations by American military officers, which gives the entire movie its uniquely absurd yet lovable character. American military officers are generally colossal buffoons and if they do attempt an inspirational speech, the speech is a spectacular, embarrassing failure. So drop what you're doing. Spend your evening watching college football and movies that feature the heroic American military. I'd recommend flipping between the football and the movie in order to maximize your patriotic serving intake. Also, you're going to want to have Toby Keith's music playing at maximum volume in your living room as you watch college football and a comically unrealistic movie about the American military. If Toby Keith's music isn't present, the terrorists win. If you're not watching college football or a movie about the fake exploits of the American military, the terrorists win. If you're not living in the state of Texas, wearing a massive white Stetson cowboy hat, a dinner plate-sized belt buckle, and a denim American flag shirt, the terrorists win. So please, if we're going to defeat the terrorists, just watch college football and movies about the heroic American military while listening to Toby Keith, and move to Texas. If you refuse these suggestions, you're probably an unpatriotic communist-socialist-fascist-terrorist-homosexual-brown person. USA! USA! USA!

Awful, Terrible, Scary, Filled with Terrorism Reality

Being afraid has gotten tiresome. Seriously, we get it Fox News viewers...you're always scared. Maybe you're scared because you're not terribly bright. Maybe you're scared because you're bigots. Maybe you're scared because you're bitter about losing in 2008. Maybe you're scared because your preferred politicians have proven to be incompetent buffoons that can't be trusted to govern. Whatever the reason, we understand. You're scared. Return to your Glenn Beck-approved bunkers and resume being poorly-informed, angry, rural, white, hysterical, and scared. The reality-based world needs a break from your antics.

I'd like to encourage those of you that still believe in mathematics, global warming, brown people, and gravity to read Glenn Greenwald on a daily basis.

http://www.salon.com/news/opinion/glenn_greenwald/2010/01/02/fear/index.html

Christmas Poetry

'Twas the night before Christmas, and alone on his land, Dick Cheney was stirring with a gun in his hands. He was plotting to steal children's gifts from an underground lair, in hopes that his evil would make people care. He would sneak into houses and torture the weak, just like old times. If they tried to object, the CIA would accuse them of crimes. Old Cheney set off, his heart black as night, with hopes that his evil soon would take flight. He arrived at a house with malice and hate, hoping his victims had not stayed up late. He crawled down the chimney in one stealthy flight, hoping not to be seen in the moon's shimmering light. He saw the names Sasha, Malia, and glanced at his map. Old Cheney had wandered straight into a trap. The Obama girls' stockings were hung by the fire with care, in hopes that Joe Biden soon would be there. Cheney was panicked and felt a terrible chill. Fear shook his world. Old Cheney felt ill. He could feel his pulse pound, at he least he did before he collapsed to the ground. When Cheney awoke, he was alone in a room. His mood was uneasy, with just a touch of dark gloom. Three masked men approached from the door. A strong twist of irony soon was in store. Tied to a board, a rag in his mouth and a mask on his head, Cheney was fearful that soon he'd be dead. The waterboard trick didn't look all that fun. Cheney sobbed like a girl and soiled his pants before it was done. As Cheney lay huddled and covered in poo, he could hear a faint voice call from the blue. "The favor's repaid, and all is quite well. Perhaps your war crimes won't land you hell." The voice that he heard was that of Saint Nick. "Merry Christmas you douchebag named Dick!" Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Creative Solutions

Congressional Republicans have announced a new series of policy initiatives known as "Solutions for Another Universe." The policy document itself is relatively short. All of the initiatives can fit on this blog with plenty of space to spare. The document contains no numbers or budgetary estimates whatsoever. Numbers and facts were excluded to allow more space for congressional Republicans to accuse random people of communism-socialism-fascism-terrorism-homosexualism-brown peopleism. Senator John Cornyn (Lunatic-Texas) praised the policy initiatives as "bold new steps in the direction of hysterical, meaningless absurdity." Senator Cornyn also extended his thanks to loyal Republican voters. "The Republican Party will continue to reach out to all white, rural, poorly-educated, hate-filled Americans. These policy initiatives will speak to a narrow, out-of-touch with reality segment of white southerners. We're all very excited about the Republican Party's continuing march down the path of irrationality and overwhelming stupidity."

Let's take a look at these much-celebrated initiatives.

In order to address the issue of global warming (which is a hoax, like mathematics, gravity, and brown people), Republicans have proposed that all Americans stop reading books. This will allow them to stop thinking about global warming. Republicans have also proposed their version of a clean energy bill which calls for an increase in the number of Americans burning coal, styrofoam, and car tires to produce energy.

In economic policy, Republicans have proposed tax cuts for wealthy Americans and de-regulation of all economic activities. These tax cuts and de-regulation will produce balanced budgets, new ponies, and free chocolate chip cookies well into the future.

In foreign policy, Republicans are calling for military invasions of Syria, Pakistan, Iran, Nigeria, Venezuela, Mexico, and a scary brown country to be named later. With these military invasions, America will exterminate any and all traces of evil in the world. Those countries that are predominantly non-Christian will be forcibly converted in order to facilitate the speedy destruction of worldwide evil.

The last policy proposal is a statement that reads as follows. "LALALALALALALALALA, GEORGE W. BUSH IS STILL THE PRESIDENT! LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!"

Republicans are confident that these new initiatives will bear electoral fruit. Only time will tell.

Conservatives love fear and stupidity (mostly stupidity).

In December 2003, a self-proclaimed scientist named Dennis Montgomery convinced the Central Intelligence Agency that he could predict terrorist attacks by pulling terrorist-produced "bar codes" from Al Jazeera television broadcasts. Using his proprietary technology, those bar codes could be translated into longitudes and latitudes and flight numbers. He claimed that terrorist leaders were using that data to direct their compatriots about the next target. The CIA's Directorate of Science and Technology believed Montgomery's assertion. The CIA in turn convinced the Department of Homeland Security to raise the terror alert level to Orange (high). Such an increase meant that on December 21, 2003, fighter jets were mobilized to patrol the skies over Manhattan. Thousands of heavily-armed police walked the streets of New York City in body armor. Dozens of French, British, and Mexican flights were canceled. Armed air marshals were placed on unspecified flights. Dennis Montgomery's predictions prompted a full-scale military response by a government already obsessed with hysterical fear. There was a discernible problem with such a response. Dennis Montgomery had no scientific training. His entire story about being able to predict terror attacks using secret bar codes was full-blown nonsense. No such technology existed in 2003 and no such technology exists today. You would have a better chance of locating a unicorn or a leprechaun, although I imagine that George W. Bush probably allocated funds for investigations regarding both mythical creatures. As Playboy Magazine reported yesterday, one man was responsible for a colossal and expensive scam.

There is a considerable back story to go along with this particular incident and with Dennis Montgomery, but you can read more about him in the Playboy article (http://www.playboy.com/articles/the-man-who-conned-the-pentagon-dennis-montgomery/index.html?page=1). Montgomery is currently embroiled in a number of lawsuits. He stands accused of bouncing a one million dollar check in Las Vegas. He and his wife filed for bankruptcy in June 2009. To summarize, Dennis Montgomery is not a trustworthy character. The more pertinent question should be asked. How did an obvious liar/buffoon convince the American security apparatus to act with such irrationality? The answer lies in the overall atmosphere of America under the incompetent administration of the learning-disabled hillbilly George W. Bush, which conservatives/Republicans have done their very best to preserve even after the hillbilly's departure. Hysterical fear coupled with a general disregard for factual reality made Dennis Montgomery's claim seem creditable, much in the same way that fear and a loose relationship with reality were responsible for dragging America into two senseless, endless, bloody, expensive, and unwinnable wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. George W. Bush and his factually-handicapped acolytes in the CIA, the Department of Defense, and Fox News made such Dennis Montgomery-esque blunders possible by constantly manipulating information, pumping the general public full of nonsensical fear, and blatantly lying at every available opportunity. Dennis Montgomery was just one symptom of the underlying disease. America suffered the effects of a stupid virus for eight years and the source of the epidemic sat in the White House. It should be noted that the virus had no business being in the White House, after losing the 2000 election by 500,000-plus popular votes and cheating during a recount.

The entire Dennis Montgomery episode would be hilarious if it weren't so sad and embarrassing. Secret bar codes taken from television broadcasts? Hidden within those bar codes, secret geographic coordinates that represent future targets? Would a person be required to wear a tinfoil hat during the decoding process? Seriously, the whole thing is preposterous, but again, the Dennis Montgomery incident was a Bush Junior administration microcosm-absurd claims taken at face value, repeated as fact despite evidence to the contrary, and actions taken that ultimately brought about disastrous future consequences that could have been avoided. Stupid, rich, conservative white men are excellent comedic targets, with their general distaste for facts, evidence, and reality, but the laughing eventually stops when people notice the damage inflicted by a George W. Bush or a Dick Cheney. The Dennis Montgomery story might be worthy of a chuckle, but I certainly don't hear anybody laughing after the past eight years.

The Real News

Hold the presses!!! Stop what you are doing and listen in. Forget Health Care, forget poverty, forget unemployment, forget the Eggo Waffles that aren't in the freezer, forget Tiger Wood, and definitely forget Nanci Pelosi's appalling and uncomfortable laughter; the news is in. 2010 Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame inductees include ABBA. That's right, Dancing Queen will be forever immortalized by this epic endeavor. May Acid Rock live in infamy forever.

Lieberman's List of Demands

This just in-Joe Lieberman has announced his intention to filibuster healthcare reform, regulatory reform, judicial nominees, cap and trade, and simple procedural votes unless he receives a puppy, a slice of cheesecake with cherries, a Playstation 3, NCAA Football 2010 to go with his new Playstation 3, a Nerf N-Strike Vulcan EBF-25 Blaster, and Beyonce's album "I Am...Sasha Fierce" from the Democratic caucus. Harry Reid has stated that he will meet with Lieberman on Monday and immediately provide each and every item on Lieberman's outlandish and illogical list of demands. Vice President Biden, when asked for comment, responded with mild disbelief. "Seriously? What the *&%$ is going on in the Senate? What's next? Does he want his face carved in Mount Rushmore as well? Can somebody explain to me why that horse's ass hasn't been kicked out of the caucus? I don't even...I'm just so...Mother%$#*ing corporate *^&#sucking lobbyist *@&#bag! I'm taking a personal day tomorrow! No, no, seriously, have Michelle explain to him why I'm more than a little frustrated. This is bull*&^%! If I wanted to work for a white collar crime syndicate, I'd be a Republican. Unbelievable!"

Why We Can't All Just Get Along

It is an unfortunate reality we live in today. People don't agree on everything. Point made, lets move on (and not like the website). Joking aside, The line between liberalism and conservatism is drawn in an unmovable mountain called Responsibility. Most Americans would have a minor myocardial infarction just hearing the word uttered. Wives use the phrase to scare little kids into eating their broccoli. Why at the thought of personal responsibility Americans run to their Lawyers house, rouse a small army of lowly legal assistants armed with pitchforks and paperwork and suit the nearest city council for their rights to be babysat through life. UH. Sad sad sad world.
That is the dividing line between liberalism and conservatism, and that is why we can't all just get along.

The Alternate (Red State) Reality

For the past year, there has been a steady stream of insanity coming from the Fox News enthusiasts, asserting that Barack Obama doesn't really belong in the White House because ACORN stole the 2008 presidential election, that poor people are responsible for the current economic recession, that liberals are conspiring to murder the elderly and small children, that a series of undisclosed prison camps are being assembled, and that Democrats are responsible for the debt of the past eight years. In the month of August 2009, America was treated to hysterical, screaming, conservative white people bitter about losing the last election, at town hall events, defending what they believed to be the Constitution with slogans like "Keep the government out of Medicare." The protesters were probably unaware that Medicare is a government-run program. Yeah...who would've thought? A factually-handicapped Fox News viewer seems like an oxymoron. The same element (angry, hysterical, screaming, conservative white people bitter about losing the last election) has hurled endless accusations about healthcare reform being a path to unmanageable debt. The alternate reality, more accurately, the unreality of conservatives might be hilarious to watch, but the consequences for governance (endless gridlock, refusal to accept results of democratic elections) have been and will continue to be detrimental for American society.

In one striking example of conservative unreality passing for a logical explanation (at least in the world of college dropout conservative commentators like Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity), red state voters will tell you a fairy tale about the financial crisis. Paul Krugman has a decent synopsis.

"Talk to conservatives about the financial crisis and you enter an alternative, bizarro universe in which government bureaucrats, not greedy bankers, caused the meltdown. It’s a universe in which government-sponsored lending agencies triggered the crisis, even though private lenders actually made the vast majority of subprime loans. It’s a universe in which regulators coerced bankers into making loans to unqualified borrowers, even though only one of the top 25 subprime lenders was subject to the regulations in question.

Oh, and conservatives simply ignore the catastrophe in commercial real estate: in their universe the only bad loans were those made to poor people and members of minority groups, because bad loans to developers of shopping malls and office towers don’t fit the narrative.

In part, the prevalence of this narrative reflects the principle enunciated by Upton Sinclair: “It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it.” As Democrats have pointed out, three days before the House vote on banking reform Republican leaders met with more than 100 financial-industry lobbyists to coordinate strategies. But it also reflects the extent to which the modern Republican Party is committed to a bankrupt ideology, one that won’t let it face up to the reality of what happened to the U.S. economy."

So, conservatives believe (in the face of overwhelming contrary evidence, because facts, evidence, and reality have never unduly influence conservative thinking) that impoverished people, government bureaucrats, and the Community Reinvestment Act are responsible for the current economic crisis, not unregulated financial transactions, irresponsible mortgage lenders, or dishonest investment bankers. SIGH...sometimes the truth is exhausting. That probably has something to do with liberals suffering from constant fatigue.

The conservative mythology regarding the financial crisis is just one example of unapologetic alternate reality. The current healthcare reform discourse has been colored by conservative hyperbole and outright dishonesty. Prominent conservatives (Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Laura Ingraham, Bill Kristol, Betsy McCaughey, Senator Tom Coburn, Senator Chuck Grassley, Representative Virginia Foxx, and Representative Michele Bachmann) have asserted that healthcare reform is conspiracy designed to murder elderly people and children, describing such diabolical mechanisms as "death panels." These assertions were repeatedly debunked by creditable news organizations (the Associated Press, Reuters, the New York Times, factcheck.org to name just a handful). The absence of truth didn't stop conservatives from repeating such lies without pause. The whole shameful death panel episode clearly demonstrates that conservatives have been divorced from reality during the healthcare debate, which is all the more reason not to take their corporate-friendly, anti-majority suggestions seriously in crafting a final legislative product I might add.

Then there's the overall state of electoral denial on the part of conservatives during and after the 2008 election, up to and including this very moment. Conservatives seem to believe that it's still 2002. Fox News talks about the silent majority as if John McCain and Sarah Palin won the election. Republican senators act as if they are entitled to control of legislative business. Explain to a conservative that medical bills are responsible for sixty-three percent of all personal bankruptcies (New York Times, Tara Parker Pope, June 4th, 2009) as an obvious reason for passing healthcare reform based on widespread public dissatisfaction with for-profit, corporate healthcare and there's a good chance that the conservative will tell you that the general public wants tax cuts for the rich and financial de-regulation before any other legislative action. The conservative will give this response despite the fact that there is no reality-based evidence for such a statement.

Republicans in Congress have been asserting for the entire first year of Barack Obama's presidency that he has no reason to believe that the agenda he campaigned on should be enacted. Again, it's as if the red state silent majority won the election, even though facts and reality contradict such an obvious fantasy. The truth is that Republicans don't have public majorities to speak of. Barack Obama won the presidential election by 9.5 million votes. Democrats control the House of Representatives and the Senate because there were elections. Democrats won the overwhelming majority of those elections. The truth hurts, almost as much as losing an election hurts, but that's how representative democracy works. Try explaining that to the average Glenn Beck acolyte and you will receive a blank stare. Conservatives only prefer democracy and its subsequent results when the candidate that they prefer is installed by the Supreme Court after losing the election. This hysterical conservative anger about Barack Obama's agenda stems from severe bitterness and a complete disregard for factual reality. Like I said, the truth hurts. This brings us to another unhealthy red state voter obsession-unvarnished bigotry and its constant public visibility whenever conservatives voice their unhinged, fact-free opinions.

During the 2008 election, Sarah Palin made a habit of accusing Barack Obama of aiding and abetting terrorism. Like so many other popular conservative assertions, Sarah Palin's accusation had no basis in reality. Barack Obama was a child when Bill Ayers was planting bombs. Fox News and its hate-spewing commentators have pursued a fanatical vendetta against ACORN, accusing the organization of stealing the 2008 election and operating as a criminal enterprise. It’s only a minor coincidence that ACORN is staffed overwhelmingly by less-than-wealthy liberal brown people that don't often vote for Republicans. Glenn Beck has asserted that Democrats in Congress and Barack Obama are attempting to pursue reparations. I'm unaware of any such legislation with that goal currently being considered by Congress, but the people at Fox News seem absolutely certain. To hear conservatives complain about Barack Obama's agenda is to hear a laundry list of racial grievances. Conservatives fear that illegal immigrants (code for brown people) will receive healthcare. Conservatives fear that redistribution of wealth will occur and that welfare queens (code for brown people) will unfairly benefit. Conservatives fear that ACORN (extremely obvious code for brown people) will use the census to dismantle democracy. All of these fears are above and beyond nonsensical, but they are enunciated by prominent conservatives for the purpose of stoking irrational white racial fear.

I don't remember conservatives being quite so outraged about deficits that amounted to 5.1 trillion dollars under George W. Bush. I also don't remember conservatives being so deeply opposed to government action when it came to waging two wildly unpopular wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Are deficits acceptable as long as they go towards tax cuts for the rich and wars that result in the killing of impoverished brown people? I certainly don't remember conservatives voicing their outrage about corruption as KBR collected twelve billion dollars at taxpayer expense for their less-than-quality services (war-profiteering) in Iraq. It should be noted that the Department of Defense refused to approve approximately 1 billion dollars worth expenses for KBR in 2008. Translation-KBR attempted to steal a billion dollars from taxpayers (The Spoils of War, Vanity Fair, Michael Shnayerson, August 7th, 2008). By comparison, ACORN has received approximately 53 million dollars in federal funds since 1994 (CBS News, September 12, 2009. Maybe in the conservative alternate reality, a billion is less than 53 million. Or more likely, the average Fox News viewer believes that corporations owned by wealthy, conservative, white southerners are entitled to steal taxpayer money while organizations staffed largely by poor brown people should be denounced and investigated.

Bill Maher wasn't on the right track. He was right. "Not all Republicans are bigots, but the chances are good that if you're a bigot in America today, you're a Republican."

Conservatives/Republicans can project their hatred with great intensity, but it won't wash away their dishonesty. Screaming that the brown president and his scary brown allies are out to destroy America without any factual evidence to support such outlandish claims constitutes bigotry. I don't think that the Tea Parties are a manifestation of intolerance and hatred. They are manifestations of hatred and intolerance, featuring signs that equate healthcare reform and Barack Obama to fascism and (as is so often the case for any conservative event), screaming, hysterical, poorly-educated white people. The conservative movement is overwhelmingly comprised of angry white people for a reason. Just glance at an average Barack Obama voter and an average John McCain voter and the truth becomes abundantly clear.

All of this conservative fantasy-based fury has created one very visible product in American governance-gridlock. Gridlock is the by-product of unreality. Conservatives have been bent on stopping any and all progress in the Barack Obama presidency. They are not interested in governance. They are obsessed with bitterness, hatred, and anger. The fact that their actions may result in immense human suffering by large segments of the American public hasn't bothered them in the least. Conservatives are not only in active denial about reality. They are seeking to undermine reality for years to come, much in the same way that the previous hillbilly administration attempted to undermine reality. In every public policy debate, conservatives seek to demagogue without hesitation. With no agreed-upon set of facts, the Ann Coulters and Glenn Becks of the world can invent their own facts for every situation. Conservatives don't believe in facts, just irreconcilable assertions, and this allows them to live in a comfortable fantasy world where tax cuts create balanced budgets, endless wars qualify as peace, and poverty is cured with prayer. Such beliefs might be comforting to the average red state voter, but they definitely don't produce comfortable policy for a majority of Americans.

Jim Inhofe-Unpopular Global Buffoon

Jim Inhofe (Lunatic-Oklahoma) showed up in Copenhagen today in his capacity as America's chief global warming denier/unapologetic moron to assert that global warming is a hoax and that the United Nations is responsible for spreading the global warming myth. Don't tell the melting Himalayan Glacier or the melting ice sheets near Antarctica and Greenland about the hoax Jim. They're really committed to the lie.

Senator Inhofe was greeted by...well, nobody. I know, what a shocker. His aides had to rustle up a small media crowd so that Inhofe would have an audience for his policy pronouncements. In what may be the single most accurate Jim Inhofe description ever, a Der Spiegel reporter told Inhofe: "You're ridiculous." Simple, descriptive, elegant, and accurate. It's a description that American conservatives have become used to hearing, particularly over the past eight years. Clearly, they are making their best effort to justify such a description well into the future.